Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
