yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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