Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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