I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
