guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
