What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
