I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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