my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
