do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
