Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
