I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
