It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
