Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
