now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
