she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
