So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
