he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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