my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
