I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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