I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Randomize
