So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize