Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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