there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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