Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
