if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
