sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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