We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
