thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
