Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
