the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Four minutes until I can fart!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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