I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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