just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
