Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
