fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i love accidental penises.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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