Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
