I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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