since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
