whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
