today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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