you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
