There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
