He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
