Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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