maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
