the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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