2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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