she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
