I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
