Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
