vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
