I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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