we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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