I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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