I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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