My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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