Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
