If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize