I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
