wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So vagazzling was a success
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
