U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Your penis caused this!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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