i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
