I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
