Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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