I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
